Shana's blog

I slept the hardest I've slept off of sleeping pills in ages this morning. I don't know if it was because I was terribly ashamed or sad or just still tired from the night before.
I dreamed you came out. We were at some weird dinner, and for some reason I knew everyone there. I was so happy, and I was introducing you to everybody. I'd walk around with you holding your hand, all like "Hey, this is my boyfriend." big smiles on both our faces. We were in line and got separated. I don't know why, but I got lost.
I found Ryan of all people, and I followed him and his friends around outside for a bit. I finally got to apologize for being such a bitch to him the last time we hung out. I realized how much I missed him and just kind of hugged him for a minute. Too many mistakes.
Thinking he'd know the way back to you, I kept following his group until we were in a parking lot. For some reason, a lot of people were out there, and I thought I'd have a good chance at finding you, but I think I found out it was the wrong lot. I kept seeing just random people that I never think about, and they'd say hey, and I'd be running, and I'd shoot back a "How've you been lately?" not expecting any sort of reply.
I just kept thinking about how you'd probably think I had just left you at this dinner thing with all of these people you'd just met. I felt *bleep*ing horrible and worthless. You wouldn't answer calls or texts, I couldn't get to you. I just had to find you some other way.
One of Ryan's friends kind of stopped me for a bit, and asked if I remembered him. I stared at him for a long time trying to figure it out. I laughed kinda nervously and said I didn't know. He said we went to *bleep*ing middle school together, so I asked if he could take me back to where you were. He said he knew the way, and we started walking. For some reason, Target was mentioned, so that was like new goal. I had to find Target.
As we walked, I could kind of tell we were in the city. The road we were on was kind of downhill, and I got caught up in running down too fast and lost him. Stuck in the city, I just kind of started looking around and saw these like *bleep*ing white horses swimming in this ditch. Behold, I'd found the damn Target across this ditch full of water and white horses.
Without hesitation, I jumped in, and tried to swim across to the other side. I have no idea why I didn't just walk around on the road. I just kept swimming with these weird horses, and upon nearly reaching the "shore" of the ditch, this *bleep*ing horse started to try and pull me down with it's *bleep*ing hooves. I woke up, so I'm guessing I drowned.

I never found you.