It all started with an invitation that read: Halloween Party! Fancy Dress!
I thought it would be absolutely awesome; a fantastic excuse to dress tarty and get away with it. And I really struggled with my costume choices too. What on earth should I dress as? Slutty Ninja? Slutty Scientist? Slutty Zombie? In the end I chose to be a Slutty Bride, complete with veil, bouquet and a tiny white dress. My friend, who would be accompanying me (lets just call her Wartzilla), decided on an “Evil Fairy” costume, although in reality all this meant was her dressing all in black with a clothes hanger taped to her back and a generous amount of glitter everywhere.
So with our costumes complete, off we went for a night of fun and adventure. We arrived at the house and were greeted at the door by a portly ginger haired man, dressed in black pants and brandishing a large plastic axe. “Hello girls! Good to see someone dressed up!” “Heeeeeyyyy Rissole!” shouted Wartzilla. “What do you mean ‘good to see someone dressed up?’” I said. We walked inside to see our friends- Brown Rice, Astro Man, Mr. Pants, Buddy Ginger, Mumbles, Mumbles’ Girlfriend and LeSpooge sitting in the lounge room watching Pulp Fiction. None of them had dressed up. I sat down next to Astro Man. “Dude this is your Halloween party, why didn’t you get dressed up?” I asked him. He looked at me blearily. “It’s Halloween?”
After the movie, and several glasses of booze later, we headed outside. A huge brick wall dominated one side of the yard. Mr. Pants stood in front of the wall, staring intently at the bricks. “What’s he doing?” I asked Brown Rice. “Who knows. He’s an artist.” he replied. Rissole went up to Mr. Pants. “You should draw something!” he said, and handed Mr. Pants a piece of chalk. “Where the hell did you get that from?” Mumbles’ Girlfriend asked. Rissole just shrugged. “OK…” said Mr. Pants, “…What should I draw?” “A *bleep*!” screamed Wartzilla. “Hmm. Alrighty then.” So Mr. Pants drew his artwork on the brick wall. When he was done, we all gasped in amazement. “It’s…incredible” said LeSpooge. “You even drew hair on the balls, good job man.” said Brown Rice, obviously not concerned that a giant *bleep* was now adorning the wall in his back yard. “It needs a hat!” I exclaimed. So Mr. Pants obliged, drawing a jaunty cowboy hat on top of the giant *bleep*.
All of a sudden, Astro Man appeared, his bloodshot eyes squinting at the newly-created mural. He stood quite still, squinting, his mouth hanging slightly open, seemingly confused about the whole thing. He then widened his eyes. “THIS GIANT *bleep* IS MAKING ME HUNGRY!” he proclaimed. “WE NEED TO GET SOME KEBABS!”. Everyone agreed to this idea, so we all decided to set off for the nearby kebab stand, except for Wartzilla who had passed out rather ungracefully on the lawn. Just before we left, I heard my phone ring. I checked the callers name; it was Wimpley, the dreaded Ex. “Hello?” I answered cautiously. “Hey Paps? Heeeyyyyyy!” yelled Wimpley. “What are you doing? I’m at an awesome party! There are so many hot chicks here! It’s awesome!” “Why are you calling me?” I asked rudely. “Be-because I wanted to see what you were doing! Where are you?” “I’m with some friends. I gotta go.” I replied quickly, then hung up. So we set off for Kebab Land. When we arrived, I noticed Wimpley was there. “What the hell are you doing here?” I asked him. “I rang Mumbles. He told me you’d be here!” he said joyfully, then walked towards me with his arms outstretched. “Hug time!” “Ew, no!” I cried and stepped back. He continued with his affectionate zombie-shuffle. Panicking as he stumbled closer, I did the only thing a sensible, adult woman could do when faced with an ex-boyfriend. I slapped him. Hard.
He stoped and looked at me in disbelief. I glared back at him. The moment was tense. We stood staring at each other, Wimpley with a look of dumb confusion on his face and myself, arms akimbo in my bridal outfit. Then suddenly, a horrible sound of something wet hitting the ground. “BLEEERRGH!!!” Wimpley and I turned to see Buddy Ginger, bowed down with his hands on his knees, standing over a puddle of sick. Mumble’s Girlfriend was rubbing his back in a motherly way. “Alright guys, I think it’s time called it a night” announced LeSpooge. We all hastily agreed and parted ways, walking off into the night.